Taking Kitty to the Vet

The following steps are to be followed if one loves a kitty who is so scared of life that s/he runs away when anyone sneezes.

Literally. Crazy cat.

Now you need to take said kitty to the vet. As in: out into the Big. Bad. World. That. Involves. Stuff. Other. Than. Scratching. And. Purrs. And. Favourite. Kitty. Food. With. No. Concerns. Other. Than. Being. Adored. At. Home.

Step 1: Wait for kitty to emerge from the bedroom at some point so that you can avoid having to drag him from under the bed once he bolts under it upon realising that something bad is happening. Close the bedroom door. This first step may be the most difficult as it may occur hours before departure-to-the-vet time. Then you will have to cope with steps 2 and 3 for a prolonged period of time.

Step 2: Try to comfort kitty as he sits at the closed bedroom door, howling in distress and breaking your heart.

Step 3: Allow kitty to run to the couch in fear of his life. Sigh as kitty pees on the couch out of sheer terror.

Step 4: Once kitty is quivering on the couch - and only then - remove the kitty carrier from the closet. Place kitty towel in said kitty carrier (why? see below).

Step 5: Watch as kitty makes another run for the closed bedroom door. Watch as kitty freezes in terror at the site of the kitty carrier as he rounds the corner. Watch as kitty once again retreats to the couch.

Step 6: With minutes to go until departure, comfort kitty on the couch. Pick kitty up and make your way to the kitty carrier. Block out the most terrorised and pitiful meowing as you place kitty in the carrier. Sigh as kitty pees on the towel placed in the kitty carrier. And then feel bad for sighing because kitty is obviously terrified for reasons that you cannot understand but wish that you could.

Step 7: Put kitty carrier in the car and drive while shaking because you have to listen to a very frightened kitty during the 10 minute drive.

Step 8: Arrive at the vet and open the kitty carrier door. Kitty now refuses to come out of the kitty carrier because you betcha that he remembers this examination room.

Step 9: Gently reach in and pull kitty out of the kitty carrier. Apologise (once again) to vet when kitty promptly relieves his bowels on the examination table.

Step 10: Can you say scared shitless? Literally? Poor little kitty. I love you buddy.

Step 11: Watch as kitty sits, literally shivering in fear, as the vet does his thing.

Step 12: Question the vet as to how they distinguish real high BP from white coat hypertension in a cat. Answer: that's a great question and we really have no way of knowing. Have long conversation with vet about a terrified, scared shitless little kitty with apparently high BP.

Step 13: Pay $50 for the BP test (you've got to be kidding me - the vet tech shaved his foot, attached a Doppler and then wrapped a neo-natal cuff around his paw and listened ... 5 minutes tops .. $600 per hour for a vet tech????), $50 for the vet consult (fair enough ... we were there for at least 30 minutes with the vet) and $50 for the Rx for his crazy tumour-like growth (a little steep compared to an equivalent human Rx but still fair enough).

Step 14: Load kitty back into kitty carrier (now he's happy to go in the kitty carrier!), drive home, let kitty out and then proceed to have kitty hate you for days afterwards because you loved him enough to have his lumps and bumps checked out.

I love you buddy. You can hate me all that you like for the next few days or weeks or whatever. I will be here when you once again forget that I did such an unforgivable thing.

Crazy cat.